Last monday was my first prenatal exam. The first thing my doctor said to me was “Long time no see! Congratulations!” I grinned ear-to-ear. I explained to her the whole situation, and we chatted while she looked at my lady bits. She gave me a swab, and felt to see if there was indeed a “critter” in there, if my uterus was the right size. It was pretty crazy that all she had to do was press on my cervix and lower abdomen and she could tell. There it was, my little appleseed.

I guess they don’t do ultrasounds until the 18th week, which is good because I want Alex to be there when I see my child for the first time. I was doing some reading on http://babycenter.com and my mind was getting blown. At the end of this week, my baby will be the size of a chickpea! In the first trimester, baby growth is incredibly rapid. I can hardly keep up. 

A is getting more and more agitated every day, it seems. He’s having a hard time being away from me and missing out on these beginning moments of the life we made together.

So, I got an email from Cora. We haven’t spoken since I wrote about what I think of her life choices. She needed space, claiming we needed “time to grow.” When I found out I was pregnant 2 saturdays ago, I emailed her, reaching out, putting the shit we’ve gone through behind us in light of this new little person in my life. I extended a hand of friendship, and offered her a place in my life if she wanted it. I told her, like I told my mother, if she doesn’t see a place for herself in my life, it’s her choice. 

She wrote back, explaining that she needs to treat this as a break-up because “it would be too hurtful and voyeuristic to watch [my] life unfold.” Like I said, her choice.

I got a message from Pierce, saying that he thinks someday he can be happy for me, but right now he is too preoccupied, and does not have the energy to deal with my shit, on top of his own. And really, I don’t blame him. It’s pretty heavy shit. I told him and Cora both that I would be here when they wanted to talk again.

I don’t expect anyone to deal with it, apart from Alex and my family. I said from the beginning that this experience would really show me who my real friends were. The friends that are here for me no matter what in this huge adventure, (even when I screen my calls because I’m too stressed out) are few, but gold. I consider them family.